Aileen & Isabella

November 4, 2009

Emily is the lifesaver that took me to the hospital and cared for our newborn daughter while I was in the hospital. Further referred to as "attendant" below. She and her husband Roger are the dearest of friends, to which we now owe my life. Read more about it below.

Wednesday 11.4.09

12:42 AM: While assembling materials for a plyometrics routine, patient’s stomach begins to cramp and nausea ensues.

2:02 PM: Following a bath, patient begins to prepare lunch experiences intense vertigo (dizzy spell), and lies her head on the kitchen counter to steady herself. Patient revives to her attendant (Emily Childers) calling her into consciousness. Patient claims she decided to “lie down”, but the preceding crash, unnatural sprawl, and contusion on eye indicate syncope (fainting).

2:45 PM: Patient begins vomiting convulsively, is unable to retain water, reports chest and cranial pain, and continues to experience syncope whenever upright.

3:52 PM: Attendant delivers patient to Oceanside’s Tricity Medical hospital, patient attempts to enter hospital lobby unaided and then politely requests to lie down (at least momentarily) in the lobby. Attendant denies patient’s requests and dramatically calls for assistance.

4:15 PM: Suspicions of H1M1 virus (swine flu) are high. The following tests are performed: Abdominal Ultrasound, Cat Scan, and 2 EKG’s (patients teeth were chattering too violently during the first exam, so procedure had to be repeated). After 4 attempts an IV is successfully inserted into the patient’s left arm and the patient is retained for observations overnight

10:16 PM: Patient is diagnosed with severe dehydration and possible fecal-oral contamination.

Thursday 11.5.09

3:33 AM: Patient expresses a dislike for arising every 45 minutes in her “modesty is a luxury” gown, to urinate on a steel toilet seat, while stringing an overactive IV drip behind her.

9:15 AM: Hospital food is diagnosed inedible. Patient believes she will never again desire food.

11:32 AM: Patient feels silly and strongly desires discharge. Due to patient’s persistent inquiries regarding discharge and colloquial conversations on patient’s recent miscarriage, attending nurse assigns a new doctor.

2:28 PM: New doctor orders a barrage of tests for patient including cross-culture blood test (blood draws from two sites, patient is poked three separate times), stool examination (yes, a stool sample), and Abdominal CT Scan Dye Test (patient is required to drink 32 oz of what can only be described as clear motor oil flavored to taste like vanilla).

11:01 PM: Patient is dispensed an extra-strength tylenol for migraine which she promptly vomits after attempting consumption of hospital veggie burger. No additional medication can be dispensed until 5 AM the next morning. Patient spends the remainder of the night regretting (rather pathetically) an inability to celebrate a 1-week birthday with her newborn daughter.

Friday, 11.6.09

4:05 AM: Patient believes her bowels have reverted to the maturity of her infant daughter.

6:22 AM: Patient triumphantly consumes two packages of iodine rich Saltines in an attempt to raise her blood pressure and return home.

10:14 AM: Following a thorough review of test results, attending doctor informs patient that her hemoglobin count has decreased from a count of 10 at admittance to 6 (12 being within normal range). Patient is also reported to have 3 units (1050 ml - equivalent to 1 1/2 bottles of wine) in her abdomen. Doctor orders an emergency blood transfusion and immediate consult with OBGYN surgeon. Patient is told that a discharge or even delay would result in death.

11:42 AM: Surgeon informs patient that they she has an ectopic pregnancy. The fetus (previously believed to have been miscarried 6 weeks earlier) has implanted in the patient’s left fallopian tube which has ruptured causing internal bleeding. An emergency exploratory laparoscopy, left salpingectomy (removal of left fallopian tube and 8-12 week old fetus) and possible right salpingectomy (removal of right fallopian tube) is ordered stat.

11:44 AM: Patient phones spouse to report almost unintelligible results due to convulsive sobbing.

12:36 PM: Patient is admitted to surgery.

3:45 PM: Patient awakes from surgery to a recently arrived husband, successful surgery results, and a 6-inch incision in her pelvic region.

6:15 PM: Patient drifts off to sleep after a satisfying meal of ice chips, enjoying the indulgence of a catheter, and a nice warm Morphine drip.

Saturday, 11.7.09

5:15 AM: Patient awakes to the sound of her roomate’s IV beeping incessantly for the 18th time since arrival, accompanied by the background antics of a dog show

6:21 AM: Patient determines her discharge goals

1. Feed herself
2. Walk safely
3. Toilet herself
4. Control pain with oral medications

11:15 AM: Patient receives a delightful sponge bath and is able to roll over for the first time

12:55 PM: Patient sits up for the first time

2:14 PM: Patient walks to the bathroom for the first time and has her catheter removed.

3:15 PM: Patient switches from morphine drip to Percocet (dispensed two hours late and prior to food intake).

3:18 PM: Patient slowly initiates consumption of dry graham crackers when patient’s spouse enters the room. Patient’s spouse attempts to force Apricot Nectar on her despite adamant refusals. As spouse begins to pour nectar, patient vomits her crackers and medication on herself and bedding. Patient’s spouse begins to dry heave and is forced to take a time-out in the hall.

4:20 PM - 11:59 PM: Patient is forced to struggle out of bed and drag her IV drip to the bathroom approximately 14 times.

Sunday, 11.8.09
5:14 AM: Patient can:
1. Feed herself
2. Walk safely
3. Toilet herself
4. Control pain with oral medications

She has also answered 202 e-mails since her roommate refuses to share control of the TV or to watch anything excepting Sesame Street and Plus-Size Spanish Diva Competitions

11:14 AM: Patient brushes her teeth, combs her hair, has 12 staples removed from her incision, 1 IV from her arm, and puts on undergarments that are not made of mesh, followed by full closure clothing.

12:02 PM: Patient is discharged from the hospital exultant to return home to her family.